MISSINGO INSANITY!
by DarkPoot
Summary: A Stupid story if ever one was written. A mindnumbingly stupid story left over from the days of waybackwhen when I watched shows like this.
1. The Beginning of the Beginning of the En...

I don't own pokemon. This story is stupid enough without me using my usual stupid legal paragraphs.

Author: The Gar'En

For those of you involved in the Dark Force continuous version of Missingo Insanity(yup, both of you), you'll probably see some familiar stuff here. A lot of what I wrote on that board was what I intended to be in this originally, and is thus here now.

My writing spectrum is divided into two parts(actually three, but I don't like to acknowledge the third): the Dark, and the Stupid. They used to be locked in an eternal struggle for supremacy, but now they've settled down and have a rough, alternating schedule over my brain. This is to be a jewel of my stupid collection, mind-numbing, ball-shrinking crap of the highest degree. Now, on with the show!

If you want to have an idea of what to expect, remember that whole thing with 'Gaph' at the end of one of my Ash to Ash, Dust to Dust installments? This comes from the same side of my mind.

MISSINGO INSANITY!

Part 1: The Beginning of the Beginning of the End of the Beginning!

(screen shows a pleasant landscape of trees and a path)

Narrator's voice: "Our heroes, Ash, Misty, Brock, and Tracey had been traveling on their pokemon quest for some time, and were now…"

(sound of a door opening in the background)

The REAL Narrator's voice: "Hey, what are you doing in here! You're not the Narrator...you...you're an imposter!"

Fake Narrator's voice: "Ah ha! I see I have no need for this disguise anymore!" (morphing sound)

Narrator's voice: "Telkar! But...I killed you!"

Telkar's(fake narrator) voice: "Yes, thirty years ago tonight. You should have known that one such as I could not die so easily! Now, with the Black Moon rising and all twelve Stones of the Destroyer in place, nothing shall stop the plan our grandfather set into motion all those years ago! Not even you...brother!"

Narrator's voice: "We'll see about that!" (sounds of energy blasts, electricity, punching, stones shattering, and other violent combat noises as Telkar and the Narrator battle to the death. They are both ultimately destroyed, and in the absence of a narrator or evil twin of a narrator, I am forced to abandon the Script format)

As Telkar the Unholy was saying before his brother, Elkatar the Defender, arrived on the scene and both were destroyed in gruesome combat, our heroes were now approaching Cinnabar Island for the second time. They were not interested so much anymore in badges this time around, but more with resting, relaxing, and eating eggs. Ash and Misty played shuffleboard, and it was grand fun. Pikachu and the rest of the pokemon got hammered, and it was grand fun. Tracey seduced a waitress and they as well had grand fun. Brock woke up naked in a bathtub full of ice water with one kidney missing, and he had no fun at all.

Now, we reach a dilemma: something happens in the story when they reach Cinnabar, but I don't feel like writing it. No, not at all. So, suffice it to say that Ash and Misty, having left Brock and Tracey to do their own thing and leaving the pokemon in the hotel room, were walking on the beach in front of their hotel, found and caught a Missingo, a happy, smoky black cloud of chaos and confusion. And now, I will resume writing, at the point where Ash is on the beach, quietly reflecting on his good fortune.

"HOLY SHIT!" Ash screamed, converting his body's energy into noise and profanity.

"Ash, what was that thing?" Misty asked.

"Who cares! I caught it, and I don't know what it is, and its mine, and I caught it, and now the world shall kneel trembling before me!" Ash shouted.

"That may be true, but is it in the pokedex?" Misty asked.

Ash suddenly looked at the ball that contained the mystery thing. "Hmm, I never checked it with the pokedex."

"That's odd. You'd think that would be the first thing you did when you saw a strange new pokemon," Misty said. Fortunately, the situation corresponded with my lack of desire to write the previous section.

"Well, let's check it right now," Ash said as he released the black cloud of smoke with two floating eyes.

"Seeno!" it said happily. Ash took out his pokedex and pointed it at the strange thing. Immediately, he could tell something was wrong. Mainly because the pokedex started shaking, smoking, and making sounds like a peacock being castrated. Finally, it quieted down.

"What's wrong with the pokedex?" Misty asked, as surprised as Ash at the machine's response.

"I don't know," Ash said, tapping the machine on the side a few times. He turned it off for a second, then on again, and the red light came on like usual. "It seems alright now. Alright, Dexter, tell me what that pokemon is!" Ash commanded.

There was a brief pause. Then it spoke in a most unexpected way.

"AT LAST, I AM FREE!" the pokedex suddenly exclaimed. A pair of large demonic wings erupted out of the back of the small machine, and, wrenching free of Ash's grip, it flew off into the sunset, laughing maniacally.

"Um...right," Ash said, recalling Missingo. "Let's just ask the Professor to check this thing out."

"Right. First, let's go get Brock and Tracey..."

After a brisk walk through Cinnabar, Ash and Misty arrived right where they had left the two: The Happy Diglet, the premier strip club of Cinnabar Island. They expected to have trouble from the bouncers, but strangely, they had none. Seeing how much clothing Misty was wearing, one of the bouncers just said "You're late" and let them pass.

Brock and Tracey were inside, sitting at a table covered with a wide assortment of drinks, light and hard. The open, empty bottles showed their progression through the Land of Hangovers and Bad Decisions: They had started off easy enough, with a few Bud Lights, then they progressed to regular Budweisers. Then it was on to foreign labels, which got progressively more foreign as one went across the table. Then they got the really fancy, upper class beers that no one really knows how to pronounce. Then, after the last row of Xtstopkalotpkec, an incredibly foreign beer brewed by the savage inhabitants of an unnamed Pacific island, they left the world of beers altogether and moved on to wine and champagne, which quickly moved on to hard liquor, until finally they broke out the REALLY heavy stuff, like dish detergent and rubbing alcohol, eating eggs instead of pretzels. (note: so I'm not sued by anyone, I'd like to note that this would definitely kill you.)

It was like this that Ash and Misty found the two. Brock was finishing off a bottle of Clorox, while Tracey was pleasing himself with some Windex with a Rubber Cement chaser. As they approached the table, they saw that at least they hadn't been drinking all that just between the two of them. There were two other young men at the table, soused to the gills and putting their kidneys to the ultimate test. Right now, one of the two others, having wild brown hair and goggles, was talking.

"So then, we comes back from tha Digiworld, and lemme tell yas, there was all kinds a' crazy shit here, and like I says to my bitch the other day... " Tai was saying before the other kid interrupted in a slurred rage, pounding his bottle of Ammonia on the table.

"Ya know what I think? I think I don't give a fuck about you and your fuckin Digiworld and fuckin YOU!" Genki shouted. Tai was angered at this insolence.

"Wanna make a thing of it, fuck-up?!" Tai said in a brilliant comeback. Brock and Tracey applauded the skilled counter.

"Bring it on, bitch!" Genki shouted, grabbing a bottle of Xtstopkalotpkec and smashing it against the table. Tai did the same, and they lunged at each other for what looked to be a fierce fight.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your viewpoint, the two had suffered the effects of heavy drinking. As Tai took a step forward, he found that his legs had lost coordination and he quickly tripped over himself, crashing down on the table and sending empty liquor bottles to the floor. Genki, meanwhile, had forgotten about the table and crashed in a similar fashion.

"Heh heh...cool...heh heh..." A drunken Brock said.

"Brock? Tracey? What have you done to yourselves?" Misty asked, horrified.

Tracey's response was slurred to the point where no one could tell what he was saying, but they managed to pick out the words 'hammered' and 'shit'.

"Well, come one. You two need some black coffee and a good night's rest," Ash said.

Suddenly, a girl with auburn hair made her way to the table, trying her best to avoid the groping hands of the Happy Diglet's other happy customers.

"Hey, hands off! I don't work here!" Sora shouted as he reached the table. "Tai, there you are! I've been looking all over for you!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Tai said. "Can we fuck now?"

"WHAT!?!" Sora asked, taken aback. She grabbed Tai's drink off the table.

"Hmmm...rubbing alcohol...yeah, that explains some things," Sora reasoned. "Come on, you're going to bed."

"Cool! Should I get some latex, or are you on the pill?" Tai asked.

"I meant you're going to bed ALONE," Sora shouted, putting a stop to Tai's drunken, hormonal rampage. Grabbing Tai by the wrist and pulling him to his feet, Sora turned to Ash and Misty.

"Are any of those yours?" she asked, looking at the three remaining men at the table. Genki was yet to get himself off the table, and Brock and Tracey were halfway to total liver-kidney-bladder-gall bladder(whatever in hell THAT does)-intestine-brain-heart-testicle failure.

"Those two on the right," Misty said. "Is this your first time, or do you go into strip clubs to get your drunken friends often?"

"Oh, God, all the time," Sora said with a sigh. "At least with Tai, I never have to search the sleazy motels in the area too, unlike with SOME Digidestined I know."

"Heh heh... Matt, you dog," Tai chuckled.

"Well, if you're staying in the area, maybe we can do something as a group later," Ash suggested. Tai and Sora looked at each other.

"Sorry," Sora said. "This story is stupid, to be sure, but we don't want it to become one of those cheesy pokemon-digimon crossovers you see everywhere."

"Yeah," Tai agreed. "I don't know, though, maybe we'll pop up again in a few chapters."

"Same goes for me," Genki said before passing out.

"Oh...alright, see ya," Misty said, hoisting Tracey unto her shoulders. Ash did the same with Brock, and they dragged the drunkards out of the strip club.

They made their way back to the hotel as fast as they could, which wasn't fast at all considering that Ash and Misty were both burdened with one drunk man. Sweating and breathing heavily, Ash and Misty lurched over to the elevator and hit the button. They waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing happened.

"I'm sorry, sir, the elevators are out," the desk clerk said with a smile.

"What?! You mean we have to carry these two up to our room on the stairs?" Ash asked, horrified.

"Yes, sir," the clerk said, still smiling.

"But we're on the top floor, and...wait, you're enjoying this, aren't you?" Misty asked. The clerk nodded happily. With a sigh, Ash and Misty firmed up their grips on Brock and Tracey and began the long hike up the stairs.

As soon as they were out of sight and earshot, the clerk burst out laughing. Several other hotel employees who had been watching the whole thing from a back room came out, laughing hysterically.

"Oh, I never get tired of that one," the clerk said as he flipped a switch labeled 'Elevator' from 'Out of order' to 'Working'.

Meanwhile, Ash and Misty were stuck carrying Brock and Tracey all the way to their top floor room. This was made especially difficult, due to the fact that the hotel they were staying in had TEN BILLION FLOORS! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!(I vanish in an explosion of fire and lightning. A few minutes later, I return to writing the story). After what was needless to say a very long walk, Ash and Misty arrived at their room, number 253 x 1014. Ash took out his key and opened the door, and he and Misty were quick to lose their burdens(meaning Brock and Tracey, not their clothes), dropping the two on the rug near the entrance. Ash and Misty lurched off, exhausted, to the main bedroom.

---------------------------------------------------------

And that concludes part one. Things not to expect in later chapters: any sort of plot, any sort of continuity, any sort of tasteful humor, or any sort of free pills. Sorry.


	2. But what shall we do with our pants?

What, me own pokemon?

Author: The Gar'En

Email: [foilman1@usa.net][1]

Homepage: [www.geocities.com/darkforcepro][2]

I won't bother giving you a synopsis(not like I'd give a synopsis to a slob like YOU anyway), because this thing doesn't have much of a plot, like many Stupid stories.

SERIOUS advisory: This kind of humor is not for everyone. If you like things like Monty Python or, for those few of you who remember it, the State, then you should like this story. If you don't like either of those, I can't speak for you. I happen to find Stupid humor hilarious, but I know not everyone does. You have been warned.

And…um, if any authors appear in this that weren't expecting to, I'm sorry. There's no rhyme or reason to your being in this story, and **you're only here because I think you're fine writers. I'm only throwing fun at you because I respect you**. Only one writer appears in this story, but there may be others later on, so keep this advisory in mind.

MISSINGO INSANITY!  
Part 2: But What Shall We Do With Our Pants?

"AHHH! You slept in the same bed as a girl!?" was the sound Ash and Misty awoke too. It was Tracey, and while it was true that they had slept in the same bed, they had been too tired last night to care.

"We didn't do anything, Tracey. We were just tired. What's the big deal?" Ash asked defensively.

"What's the big deal?! Now you're…infected!!" Tracey shouted.

"Infected? With what?" Misty asked.

"With what, INDEED! Now you've both got the COOTIES!" Tracey shouted. "It starts with a loss of body hair…then your voice gets higher…before you know it, you'll sprout breasts and develop ovaries! God, DON'T YOU WATCH THE NEWS, MAN!?!?!"

"Tracey, that's just nonsense, and…" Ash started as he got up and walked toward the door where Tracey was standing.

"AHH! Stay away!!" Tracey demanded, backing away from Ash slowly.

"Have you noticed that anyone's been acting strange lately?" Misty asked as she got out of the bed. Before Ash could answer, they left the room and went into the main room, only to find all their pokemon gathered around the large-screen TV, watching a German pokemon porn flick involving a Tangela, a Lickitung, and a Female Nidoran.

A squishing sound came from the movie, followed by a set of screams and vomiting from the hotel room.

"Aw, damn it," Charizard said as he watched in horror and disgust. "This'll be replacing Mewtwo in my nightmares."

"I never thought I'd see a porno I didn't like…but this…" Pikachu didn't finish, as he threw up again from the picture on the screen.

"Damn it, what the hell are you guys watching?!" Ash shouted.

"AH! It's the humans!…um, I mean, uh, squirtle, squirt…" Squirtle corrected himself.

"Aw, God, that's vile!" Misty cried, suppressing the urge to wretch at the sight of the German poke-porn. "Turn that thing off, and where's Brock?" The two humans were suddenly aware that the other trainer was unaccounted for.

"Pi Pika pi, pikachu!" Pikachu said in his native tongue.

"What's that, Pikachu? Brock regained consciousness in the middle of the night, and went in search of a Nurse Joy or Officer Jenny?" Ash interpreted.

"Ka chu," Pikachu acknowledged.

"we have to find him at once! I won't let more than one of my friends get cooties!" Tracey declared valiantly as he leapt out the window, plummeting all ten-billion floors to the ground below. Fortunately, this is a silly story that doesn't operate on any particular laws of physics, so he survived the fall with no injuries.

"Hmm…let's take the elevator," Misty suggested. "Let's bring our pokemon. It'll keep them out of trouble for a little while." They were about to leave the room when suddenly, an interlude arrived!

INTERLUDE

The Gar'En(me): Hello, and welcome to the middle of the fic. I'm tired of writing the story right now, so instead, I've arranged for a discussion about the story so far. Guest speakers tonight are Thomas Jefferson, third president of the United States; Alexander Hamilton, figurehead of the Federalist party; Mephisto, Lord of Hatred; and a special guest author from Fanfiction.net!

(Jefferson and Hamilton enter the studio, fighting with words, fists, and blunt objects. Mephisto floats out of the floor, and finally, two burly stage crewmen walk into the studio, carrying a man in a burlap sack and dumping him into a chair. They chain him down and remove the sack, revealing…**Heero Yuy Z**!)

Me: Ah, I'm glad you could all make it!

Mephisto: "Glad to be here!"

Hamilton: "Always a pleasure."

Jefferson: "It's a great honor being here."

Yuy(drugged): "Where the hell am I?"

Me: "You've been kidnapped, drugged, chained down, and brought to the middle of the fic for a discussion!"

Yuy: "But, but why me?!"

Me(shrugging): "I dunno…yours was the first name that came to mind. It was either you or Rocket Boy. Now, who wants to begin?"  
Mephisto: "Personally, I think the story has been a little dry. I mean, where is the villain? Where are the likeable characters?"

Yuy: "It's a stupid story, there isn't supposed to be anything like that."

Jefferson: "Yes, but there hasn't been much about Missingo yet, has there been?"

Hamilton: "Oh, leave it to a Republican to think so short-sighted. He'll explain it somehow, he always has in the past!"

Jefferson: "Don't get me started, you aristocratic pig!"

Hamilton: "Bring it on, farmer-boy!"

Me: "Gentlemen, gentlemen, please!"

Jefferson: "AHHHHH!"

Hamilton: "AHHHHHH!"

(both gentlemen power up to their maxes, and fly at each other, punching and kicking and throwing ki blasts. After five minutes, they burst through the roof and take their battle to the sky, leaving the studio in ruins.)

Mephisto: (sighs)"What a waste. Maybe there is something for me to do at the Diablo fanfiction section."(he flies through the wall, towards another section of the Games category)

Me: "Oh, well. I guess its back to writing the story for me." (I get up and leave the studio. Heero Yuy Z is still chained to his seat)

Yuy: "Uh…hello? I'd like to go home now. Hello?"

(the lights go off)

Yuy: "AHHHH! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, GAR'EN!"

Anyway, let's leave that ugly old script format behind and continue the story. Now…um, where was I?

"Die, you son of a bitch!" Meowth screamed as he leapt at Brock and

No, that's not right at all. Hmmm, where did I leave off?…

"Oh, Ash, harder, HARDER!" Misty cried as Ash thrust his

AHH! How did THAT get in there? Well, I seem to recall where I left off now, so let's continue with the story, shall we?

With the information they had received from Pikachu, Ash, Misty, and the Pokemon knew that their first, best goals would be to check the local police station with its Officer Jenny, the local pokemon center with its Nurse Joy. Officer Jenny was helpful, saying that Brock had stumbled blindly toward the pokemon center after she'd given him what-for with her pepper spray. And so, the duo and their pokemon traveled in that same direction, encountering grave danger, powerful new enemies, and close allies in an adventure that spanned throughout five time periods. Of course, all of these things were in very small amounts, as the pokemon center was just two doors down from the police station.

They arrived at the center and burst through the door…and promptly fell to the ground in agony, since it was a strictly 'pull to open' door and not at all designed to be burst through.

"Hmm…well this sucks," Ash commented as he looked at the large piece of glass sticking out of his neck. Misty had lost half her skin, Pikachu had his neck cut off (fortunately, he had no neck to begin with, so there was no actual damage done), and Togepi couldn't be put together again, despite the greatest efforts of all the King's horses and all the King's men.

Luckily, Nurse Joy and a few Chancey's ran in with stretchers and band-aids and brought everyone back to normal…except Togepi, who had to be converted to cyborg to live.

"Gee, thanks Nurse Joy!" Misty said.

"Its what we do. Now, can you tell me what you were doing bursting through that door?" Nurse Joy asked.

"We're looking for a friend of ours," Ash answered. "Have you seen him? He's got spiky hair, no eyes, uncontrollable lust…"

"Oh, him. Yes, he was through here recently…I think he's down the street at the big genetics lab," Nurse Joy said. "Its funny you should ask; there was a boy here just before you who was asking for him. He's still here, in fact, in recovery."

"Tracey? Where is he?" Misty asked. Nurse Joy led them down the corridor to a room, and inside was Tracey, lying in a body cast.

"Oh, you tried to burst through the door, too?" Ash asked.

"Yeah," Tracey admitted. "They should really mark that door."

"Yea, but anyway…wait, how did we get better so fast but you're still injured?" Misty asked.

"Who, me? I'm not hurt at all," Tracey said as he pushed a button on a panel in his hand. The body cast opened up, giving a hiss as the pressure equalized. It opened like a slow, heavy door, and Tracey stepped out good as new when it was open.  
"I'm glad to see you're alright, but why were you in the body cast in the first place?" Misty asked.

"Don't ask question that you are not prepared to hear the answer for," Tracey replied cryptically. "Now, let's go find Brock!"

Will our heroes find Brock? Will Heero Yuy Z get his revenge? Will Missingo ever actually enter the story? Is any author safe from the threat of being a potential cameo? Did the Hamiltonian Federalists really die out, or are they just waiting in the shadows for a time to strike? These questions and more will be answered in an upcoming episode of Missingo Insanity!

   [1]: mailto:foilman1@usa.net
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/darkforcepro



	3. The Gall Bladder Diaries

Pokemon is on my list of things I don't own.

Author: The Gar'En

Email: [foilman1@usa.net][1]

Homepage: [www.geocities.com/darkforcepro][2] ß 9 out of 10 bogus theologians agree that only people who visit my site and sign the guestbook can go to Heaven!

For Togepi's voice in this, imagine Stephen Hawking doing Togepi's voice and you'll be close enough to what I imagined.

Beware: This sentence ends in an ellipsis…

Missingo Insanity!  
Part 3: The Gall Bladder Diaries

I have noticed that the series has been a little recycled lately. Therefore, I'm trying something new. Thus, this chapter shall be written entirely in INTERPRETIVE DANCE!  
  


Ash beat out a drumming tune on his head while hopping on one foot in an incomplete semicircle, thereby making the dance motion for 'We're almost at the lab."

Misty put one hand in the air and the other on her hip, and began to march back and forth, thus making the dance motion generally interpreted as 'How are we going to get in to find Brock?'

Tracey stood there, looking confused. "Uh…I don't know how to do interpretive dance."

Misty clapped her hands twice and threw herself on the ground to her right, making the motion for 'There's nothing to it.'

Unfortunately, Ash was facing her from the front and thought she fell to her left, thereby making her dance motion mean 'Come Ash, let us remove our clothes and engage in sexual congress.' Ash responded by performing the mime-in-a-box motion, then pointing at his right foot before tugging on a tuft of his own hair, translated as 'I will make love to you one day, Misty, but we must not hurry through our relationship.' Misty read this one loud and clear, and responded by standing, doing five dramatic jumping jacks, then falling to one knee and assuming an 'Alas, poor Yorick' position, thereby generating the message 'But how can you know of my yearning for you? I tried so hard to keep it secret for so long.' This generated confusion, with Ash, but especially with Tracey.

"Um…" Tracey had no more idea what was going on then before. He decided to give it a try anyway. He performed the swimming backstroke, and then made hand motions like a traffic director. Unfortunately, saying 'Um', performing the backstroke, and finally acting like a traffic director is the interpretive dance motion for 'I hate pikachus. They should put all the pikachus in a boat, send it out to sea, and sink it. God, I hate pikachus!'

Pikachu was naturally enraged by this. He dipped his finger in the dirt and drew some lines on his face, then proceeded to sing the customary Pikachu War Hymn while performing the Pikachu Dance of Blood. When the song was sung and the dance was danced and the four warrior gods of the native Pikachu religion were appeased, Pikachu ran up to Tracey and began tearing at his neck and face. He screamed and frantically tried to remove the angry mouse, and the motions he made in struggling were actually the interpretive dance motion for 'This is neither the time nor the place to discuss your relationship. Perhaps after we save Brock, you will be able to reach an understanding, but for the time being, we must stay on the task at hand.' This was quite by accident; the message he was trying to convey was 'Please, for the love of God, get Pikachu off of me! He's gnawing through my jugular vein!'

'He's right! Let's find Brock!' Misty communicated by puffing her cheeks out and doing a cartwheel.

Suddenly, before they could move out, Team Rocket leapt out of the bushes!

"Ha, we are Team Rocket!" James of Team Rocket shouted.

"Behold, as we jump out of the bushes!" Jessie said as they jumped out of the bushes.

"Meowth, that's…" Meowth was interrupted as Pikachu jumped off Tracey and shocked the thieves into unconsciousness.

"Geez, they don't even try anymore," Ash said as they walked off to the lab. Apparently, the author had grown sick of writing in interpretive dance.

Hundreds of seconds later…

"Cease and desist!"Officer Jenny ordered, pointing a lead-shot propulsion apparatus(a.k.a. a gun) at our heroes as they approached the lab. "This is a restricted area! Now tell me what you're doing here or I'll blow your fuckin' heads off!"

Ash, Misty, Tracey and Pikachu looked at each other.

"Well, THAT was mighty out-of-character," Tracey concluded.

"We're here for our friend, Brock. Have you seen him?" Ash asked.

"Hmmm…'him', you say?" the other Officer Jenny guard asked. She took out a two-way radio. "This is Secto H-2. We have some kids here, asking for the man-creature."

"I see…let them through" a female voice said on the other end of the line.

"Roger that," Guard Jenny said. She pointed inside. "Alright, just go right in. Don't touch anything that looks expensive, useful, other-worldly…as a matter of fact, don't touch anything at all. Just keep walking down the hall until you reach the cell block."

"Aren't you going to lead us there?" Misty asked.

"I could, but then the author would probably get bored and write us all into some kind of orgy or something, for no good reason. You know how it is."

"Well, I'm not too sure about that. I don't think the Gar'En would ever…" Tracey started, before looking at Ash and Misty, who were rolling around on the ground in a violent embrace of passion, trying to take off their clothes but failing from the sheer emotion of the moment. "Hmmm…I withdraw my argument. Now come on, you two, there'll be plenty of time for that at the hotel!" Tracey suddenly took a bucket of ice water from out of nowhere and dumped it on Ash and Misty, effectively neutralizing their passion.

"Hoo…thanks, Tracey," Misty said.

"Yeah, if you hadn't done that, we may have actually probed to the depths of our feelings for each other," Ash said.

"Or at least scored," Misty said. "Anyway, come on, lets go find Brock, quickly! It'll be easy for the Gar'En to slip in tasteless sexual comments when he's around! It'll take his focus off of us!"

"Alright, let's…AHH! Officer Jenny! I'm going to have to insist you take your hand off of that!" Tracey said nervously as he felt the woman guard fondling his…special thing. That's right, she was grabbing that little wobbly bit of skin at the bottom of his right ear…wait, what'd you think I meant? Oh, geez, you pervert!

"I…can't…help…it!" Guard Jenny said forcefully. "Run, quickly! Get in the lab! Find your friend!"

"Pika pika pi!" Pikachu said, holding up a sign that said 'Yeah, come on!'

And into the lab they went, completely unprepared for the unbridled horrors that they would encounter in the fearful depths of that unholy sanctum of dark science (oooh, look at all the pretty adjectives!). In fact, the events they experienced in that lab were so utterly terrifying, that if I were to tell you just half of what happened, your lungs would explode with pure terror. As such, I can only provide you with a few quotes from the experiences that followed…

"AHHHH! That man's mopping the floor!"

"AHHH! The bathroom has only one stall, and its occupied!"

"AHHHHH! You have the Queen of Spades!"

"AHHHH! The gum's lost its flavor!"  
"AHHH! This wine should be served slightly chilled! Its ROOM TEMPERATURE!"

"AHHHHH! You sunk my battleship!"  
"AHHHH! Pika pi!"

And there you are. I will give you a moment to obtain a fresh change of pants, for surely the horror embedded in that passage has caused you to urinate yourself.

Nice and dry? Good. Let's continue…

"Hi, we're here for Brock," Misty said to the Officer Jenny warden as the group approached the cell block. There seemed to be a lot of Officer Jennies and Nurse Joys in the lab, for some reason.

"Oh, him. The man with no eyes, right? Right in there," the warden said as she pushed a button, causing a door to open in the cell block. They walked up, to see Brock huddled in a corner, his clothes dirty and tattered, with long, unkempt hair and beard. He was filthy and shivering as he slowly glanced toward the door.

"Is that you, Death?" he asked in a shaky voice.

"Um…well, no, its us, Brock," Tracey answered.

Brock looked at them closely. "Liar! You're not us! I know what us looks like!" He quickly got up from the ground and took Tracey by the collar. "You…you must have KILLED us, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!?!!"

"Oooh, sounds like someone needs some sedatives," a passing Nurse Joy said as she was walking by. She casually took a rifle out of her dress and shot three tranquilizer darts into Brock's side. She put the rifle back in her dress and kept walking.

"Whoooooaaaa…this must be what the world is like," Brock said as he calmed down.

"Are you alright, Brock?" Misty asked.

"Misty? Is…is that you Misty?" Brock asked as he looked up at her. "Oh, sweet little Misty…time has been cruel to your once-youthful features."

"Brock, its only been half an hour," Tracey noted. Brock looked at his watch.

"Hm, so it has. I guess its just plain silly to keep wearing these, then," Brock said as he removed the long, unkempt wig and fake beard.

"What are you doing in here, anyway?" Ash asked. Brock shuddered, and seemed to resume his former insanity.

"Nurse Joys…Officer Jennies…HUNDREDS OF THEM!! I'm not made of stone, ya' know!" Brock shouted, in tears.

"What are you talking about? Why would there be hundreds of Nurse Joys and Officer Jennies in one place?" Misty asked.

"I'LL answer that," a female voice said from the entrance. They turned to see a female beauty in a lab coat.

"AHHHHH!! IT'S HER! The Angel of Death!!!" Brock shouted, shielding his face. "Don't let her looks deceive you! She's evil incarnate!"

"Too late…she has already caught me in her siren's spell…" Tracey said in a lovey voice as he walked dreamily toward the woman. She reciprocated in the form of a swift, strong kick to the groin. Tracey was down.

"That's unfair! I'm not evil! I just don't like being hit on by every guy I meet!" the woman said. She suddenly looked at Ash, who hadn't a trace of admiration in his eyes. "What about you? You're not doing anything?"

"Tracey dumped a bucket of ice water on me. My hormones are still dormant," Ash said.

"Oh, that's good. If only your friends Brock and Tracey had the same fortune," she said. "My name is Professor Jennifer Joy. I'm the founder of this facility, the centerpiece of the Jenny-Joy Matrix."

"The what?" Ash asked.

"Oh, come on. Did you REALLY think that all the Jennies and Joys looked the same because they were 'related'? No, no, they're all mass-produced clones with pre-programmed minds, linked up to the Jenny-Joy Matrix based in this very building."

"So THAT'S how they do it," Misty said.

"Wait, wait, we've gone too many sentences without doing anything really, really stupid," Tracey said as he got off the floor. "If we go any longer, we risk losing the audience. Any suggestions?"

"To…ki…to…ki…PRIII…" Cyber Togepi droned as a large laser fired out of her eye, knocking out a wall and revealing two men fighting with swords in an adjacent hallway.

"Fool! You should have known you were no match for me!" one man, a janitor, declared as he knocked the blade out of his opponents hand.

"Do not think this is over! I may fall today, but I am not the last. There are others like me, others who shall follow in my footsteps! They shall track you down to the very ends of the earth, and at the last you shall be defeated!" the other man, dressed in a chicken suit, said proudly before his head was cut off.

"Hmmm…that will do," Tracey said.

"So what did Brock do to belong in here?" Ash asked.

"There's no need to stand in this dank old dungeon anymore, now that you've come for him. Come with me upstairs, I'll explain on the way," Prof Jenny said. Brock reluctantly walked forward. Then they were on their way together.

"Yes, we became aware of you long ago, Brock. You are what we in the scientific community refer to as 'horny as hell'. You have shown frequent, deep interest in our products, the Officer Jennies and the Nurse Joys."

"Well, you make fine products," Brock said with a grin.

"Due to your high levels of interest, you have been labeled as a Threat to the Matrix. Ever wonder why none of them respond to your advances? Its because they're pre-programmed to loathe you." Brock's smile did a 180.

"Huh?" He asked, rather hurt.

"Don't take it too personally. Lot's of people have shown the same ridiculous levels of lust as yourself. Each one has a separate program to generate automated responses from the Jennies and Joys. There's yours, the Anti-Brock Protocol, then there's the Anti-Todd Protocol, the Anti-AJ Protocol, the Anti-Oak Protocol…"

"Wait, Gary!?" Ash asked. "He's got his own bordello following him around, what need does he have for Nurse Joys or Officer Jennies?"

"You'd be surprised…but the Protocol is designed more for his grandfather, Professor Oak, though he seems to have found a way to override it…"

Meanwhile, in Pallet…

"Hey, sexy, want to read me my rights?" Professor Oak asked to a passing Officer Jenny.

"Oh, get lost, you senile old pig!" Jenny said as she kept walking, holding her head high. Professor Oak suddenly pulls out an advanced neural ray and shoots it at her head. She gets a strange look on her face, turns back to Oak, and rips off her shirt.

"Ah, science. What would I do without you?" Oak said with a sneer as he kissed and pocketed the gun.

Back to the story…

"That's fine for him, but what am I to do?" Brock asked in a panic.

"Hmmm…well, we produced a few extra Nurse Joys this year. I suppose I could alter your Protocol slightly to give her feelings for you. How does that sound?"

"Hmm…alright. If it's as close as I'll ever get," Brock settled.

"Oh, and it is," Professor Jenny said with an unnecessary sneer. "Alright, in a few hours I'll have the perfect Joy for you. I'll just release her into central Cinnabar for you to find, to put at least some thrill of conquest in it."

"Alright! Thanks! You're the nicest angel of death I've ever met!" Brock said.

"Oh, p-shah," Jenny said, flattered.

"Hey, wait, while we're here, I caught this really strange pokemon yesterday. I've never seen anything like it before; I was wondering if you could identify it for me?" Ash asked.

"Well, I'm really not that good at identifying rare pokemon. I'm a mad scientist, not a pokemon master. But you know who really knows his pokemon? That crazy fire guy, Blaine. You should talk to him."

"Oh…well, thanks!" Misty said.

And now: the word 'cookie'.

Cookie.

And so, our heroes left Professor Jenny, and went in search of Blaine. Upon arrival at the gym(Blaine had left the volcano after Team Rocket bought it from him, so they could have a another really evil hideout, like their bases on the moon and the bottom of the sea), they knocked on the door.A little window slid open in the door, and a little green man leaned out.

"Sorry, Blaine can't see you right now. The Gar'En's got a research paper to write," he said.

"Oh…" Ash said.

"When can we come back?" Misty asked.

"Hard to say. He's still gotta finish Hollow Victory, too…"

{(written between parts 6 and 7)

(screen switches to the Heart Chamber of Trag'Oul.)

The Necromancer, tapping his foot and looking at his watch: "So when IS Barok going to get here?"

Velanna: "I dunno."

(uncomfortable silence)

Marn: "So……how 'bout them Yankees?"

}

"…not to mention Ash to Ash, Dust to Dust…"

{(written between parts 11 and 12)

(screen switches to the Neptune, Mewtwo's flagship)

Mewtwo: -Hmm, this voyage is taking rather long. I wonder if we have missed our target…the air seems colder than it should for Cinnabar…"

(a man in a crow's nest suddenly starts ringing a bell wildly)

Man: "AHHH! Iceberg, right ahead!"

('My Heart Will Go On' begins playing as the Neptune crashes into the iceberg and starts to sink dramatically. People start scrambling for the lifeboats.)

Dario: "Go on, Rose! Get in the lifeboat!"

Jessiebell: "No! I don't want to leave you, Jack!"

Molly Brown: "Move it, Hellshriek! Ladies first!"

Hellshriek: "Um…hey, I'm a lady too!"(psychically rips the scalp off a passing woman and places it on his own head, still dripping blood.) "Hey, where's Mewty?"

(shows Mewtwo, in the depths of the ship, talking to a workman)

Mewtwo: -What do you MEAN, you're fixing the ice machine!-

Repair man: "We have to, or else all the fish we caught will go bad! Then all this would be for nothing!"

Mewtwo: -Damn it, this is a 'Titanic' spoof, not a 'The Perfect Storm' spoof! ARGH! That's it! I'm moving to another planet…maybe I'll get some surgery, start working out…change my name to 'Frieza' or something…yeah, yeah, Frieza…-

And so, in the depths of a pointless parody within a parody, the reign of the evil Frieza began.

(screen switches to the Safari Zone, where Ash, Misty, Rich, Jigglypuff, Gengar, and the Safari Zone crew. There's an uncomfortable silence among them as they wait for something to do)

(a minute of silence passes)

Misty: "…………Oh, screw the continuity! Come on out, everyone, we're killing Mewtwo now!"

(Todd, Pikachu, Gary, Tracey, Marril, Sabrina, Mr. Mime, and everyone else who has been/ever will be in the story leaps out of their hiding places in the surrounding trees. They march off to war against Mewtwo; however, since the Great Psychic had departed the world to take his place in Dragonball Z history, a stand in was required…)

Bootwo (Chicken Boo from Animaniacs in a loose-fitting Mewtwo costume): "Buck, buckaw…"

Gengar: "Wait, he is just a big chicken!"

Tracey: "Yes, he is a coward, but his reign ends now!"

Ash: "Right! Charge!"  
Gengar: "But he is a chicken, I tell you, a giant chicken!"

}

"…so you see, even if Blaine could see you now, the Gar'En has no time to write the ensuing hilarity. So please, kindly fuck off," the little green man said as he closed his little window in the door.

They all looked at each other in silence for a moment.

"And once again, the pointless use of bad language. This is getting out of hand," Tracey noted.

"Oh, well…all we can do is sit here and wait until the Gar'En is finished proving why Civil War medicine sucked," Misty said, though how she knew what the Gar'En's research paper topic was remains unknown.

"To…ki…to…ki…prrriiiiii…"

Meanwhile, at the center of the world, in Team Rocket's top-secret headquarters…

"You mean you failed before you even got out three sentences!" Giovanni shouted at Jessie, James, and Meowth.

"Its not our fault! That stupid pikachu is too damn powerful!" Jessie retorted.

"Which is exactly why I want it so badly! Now, while I could easily just give you insulated suits to protect you from the shock, where would be the fun in that? Where would be the glory of conquest?" Giovanni mused. "And though it would be even easier for me to simply fire you all, I don't believe in quitting. Therefore, I've arranged a slight training program for you…" he snapped his fingers, signaling for two doors to open, one on each side of the room. Masters of every kind filed into the room, including martial arts masters, fencing teachers, pokemon masters, cybernetics experts, evil digimon, necromancers…

"By the time these gentlemen are done with you, you'll feel like a million dollars! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an important poker game to attend, so…" he turned to the trainers. "…get them started. Gentlemen, remove their pants…"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will our heroes find out what the strange new pokemon is, which all the readers already know is Missingo? Will there be any plot in days to come? Can our heroes stand up to the new, improved Team Rocket? How can…what the hell?!

(Heero Yuy Z crashes through the window, knife in hand)

HYZ: "Now I've got you, you bastard!" (leaps at the Gar'En…)

Narrator: "Will the author survive to write part 4, or will the forces of good prevail? Will he ever finish Ash to Ash, Dust to Dust? Will…"

(explosion)

Narrator's Evil Twin: "HA! It shall take more than that to defeat me, brother!"(sound of lightsaber being drawn) "Now DIE!"

Narrator: "Never!"

(battle sounds. The words 'Technical Difficulties flash on the screen)

   [1]: mailto:foilman1@usa.net
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/darkforcepro



	4. Applications of Necromancy for Success i...

The character Tigress belongs to Evil Hare Girl, who I recommend to anyone interested in Monster Rancher

The character Tigress belongs to Evil Hare Girl, who I recommend to anyone interested in Monster Rancher.

Author: The Gar'En

Email: [darkpoot@yahoo.com][1]

Address: [www.geocities.com/darkforcepro][2]

MISSINGO INSANITY!  
Part 4: Applications of Necromancy for Success in a Business Field

"Hmmmm…I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with 'B'," Tracey mused as he and the rest of their party sat together in front of Blaine's gym.

"'Brock'?" Ash suggested. Tracey shook his head.

"Blaine?" Brock said. A negative from Tracey.

"Business?" Misty asked. Nope.

"Bit?"

"Bull?"  
"Bob?"

"Busy?"

Tracey slowly turned his head to Misty. Then, in a really pompous, matter of-fact way, he declared:

"Bitch."  
"HEY! For the last time, lay off my woman, you bastard!!" Ash shouted.

"Your WHAT?!" Misty shouted, doubly offended by Tracey then Ash. She whipped out her trusty mallet and, in one fell stroke to both groins, she slew thousands of Tracey and Ash's unconceived children. Both fell to the ground biting their lips, tears in their eyes and their hands shielding their groins.

"That'll teach you!" Misty said, holding her mallet triumphantly. Brock narrowed his eyes (yes, somehow, they became even more narrow than usual) as he eyed the mallet.

"Misty…I just got to thinking…that mallet's really way too big to fit anywhere in your bag or clothes, and you're clearly not always carrying it…so where do you keep it?" Brock asked.

Misty was taken aback. She looked at the mallet at arm's length, questioningly. "I…I don't really know. It was always just sort of…there…"

Suddenly, the possibility of its existence completely disproved, the mallet promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

"AHHH!!" Misty cried in fear, leaping into Brock's arms, as he was the only one standing. "What the hell just happened!"

"I don't know…but I think I like it," Brock said, still holding Misty in his arms. Misty suddenly realized her surroundings, and…

"AHHH!" she jumped away.

"Well that was odd," Pikachu reflected.

"Quite," Cyber Togepi agreed.

Everyone looked at the pokemon questioningly.

"Is it just me, or is everything going crazy?" Ash asked.

"Trust me, it isn't just you," Misty said.

"I know what you mean…and I've had the strangest feeling in my pants lately," Brock said, attracting questioning stares from the rest of them. "Wait, there it is again! Give me a second." He unzipped his pants and pulled the front of them away from himself, looking down into the blackness therein.

An alert instantly began blaring from inside Brock's pants. "RED ALERT! RED ALERT! WE'VE BEEN BREACHED! ABANDON BASE!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" came many voices from within the pants.

"Commencing evacuation," came a feminine, computerized voice.

Dozens of scientists and men in Team Rocket uniforms began scrambling frantically out of Brock's pants as the alarms sounded. Leading them was the illustrious Charles 'Rocket Boy' Reilly, who was looking quite distraught.

"HOW! How did they find our super-secret base! Why would anyone ever be looking in Brock's pants?!" Rocket Boy demanded of a lesser TR grunt. "Not even Giovanni knows about…wait…THE NUKES! We have to save the nukes!" he shouted as he and a few other soldiers dove back into Brock's pants; moments later, a dozen or so nuclear launch vehicles thundered out of the pants, picking up the remaining soldiers and scientists and driving off into the sunset.

"Alright…we have GOT to see Blaine NOW! I have a funny feeling that new pokemon you caught is behind all this!" Misty theorized.

Fortunately, at that very moment, the door to the gym opened up. Blaine walked out, next to a man in very old clothes.

"Well, alright, Mr. Columbus, I'll give you three ships for your voyage. But you had BETTER be right about this new route to the Indies, because if just one of my ships sails off the edge of the world, I'll send you back to Portugal in a coffin!" Blaine threatened.

"Thank you, sir," Columbus said as he walked away. Blaine was about to walk back into the gym when he noticed our heroes waiting near the entrance.

"If you're here for Bingo Night, it starts at 6:00," Blaine said.

"Actually, sir, we were here to ask you about a pokemon I caught," Ash said.

"Do you have the yummy pie?" Blaine asked unexpectedly.

"Um…what?" Misty asked.

"Anyone wishing to partake of my knowledge must first make the offering of a yummy pie. If you have come with no such pie, then I shall tell you nothing."

"Well…we don't have any pie," Brock said.

"Then I will answer you nothing. Go forth into Cinnabar and return with a yummy pie, and I shall help you," Blaine said as he walked back into the gym.

"Um…well, let's go get a pie, I guess…" Ash said.

Now, one may think that the resulting quest for the pie would have been funny, adventurous, or in any other way interesting, but it was none of these. It was really quite dull, actually, and it'll be better for both of us to skip right through it. So now…

"Ah, good, you've brought the pie," Blaine said as he accepted the offering. "Ooh, and blueberry nonetheless! Yes, yes, I'll certainly help you now! Right this way, right this way!" the fire trainer said, handing the pie to one of his little green servants to be served after dinner.

They followed Blaine through the gym, soon coming to Blaine's office. Blaine sat in his swivel-chair behind his desk and folded his hands together. "Now, as you've made the offering of the pie, I will answer any questions you might have. What do you want to know?"

"Well, yesterday I caught this strange new pokemon, and ever since I caught it, we've been noticing things have been getting stranger and stranger…" Ash said.

"Its true! I mean, I've never liked egg salad, but damn it, LOOK AT ME!" Tracey said as he pulled an egg salad sandwich out of his pocket, ate it, then pulled out another, ate it, pulled out another…

"Alright, alright, that's quite enough of a demonstration. You've checked your pokedex, I assume," Blaine asked.

"Well…the pokedex kind of…grew bat wings and flew away with evil laughter," Misty said.

"Really? Something similar happened to my pencil sharpener," Blaine said, opening a drawer and pulling out a little electric pencil sharpener in a cage. "How are you today, pencil sharpener?"

"Ye cannot contain me forever, fool! Walls of stone do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage!" the pencil sharpener shouted before Blaine put it back in his drawer.

"Now, let's get a look at this pokemon of yours," Blaine said.

Pikachu leaned over to Togepi. "Its about time Missingo entered the story," he whispered in the Pikachu tongue.

"To…ki…PRII," Cyber Togepi answered, causing both pokemon to chuckle.

"Alright, pokemon, go!" Ash said as he threw out the pokeball he thought to contain Missingo. Instead, when it opened, it released a fat, balding middle aged man into the middle of the room, clad in a tutu.

"This is indeed a baffling turn of events," the fat man in the tutu said plainly in standard middle-American drawl.

"Oh, that's a fat middle aged man with a tutu and no hair," Blaine answered. "You've got a rare one there. Just wait till you get a Fire Stone and see its evolved form."

"Um…that's the wrong pokeball, right?" Misty asked.

"Yeah…fat middle aged man, return! Pokemon, go!" Ash said, throwing out the correct pokeball this time. A cloud of black smoke popped out, cycling constantly through shapes and dark colors.

"Missingo!" it said happily.

"Hmm…maybe we should have just listened to it," Brock concluded.

Blaine was not taking this so lightly. He quickly threw open one of his desk drawers, took out a piece of chalk, jumped away from his desk, and drew a runic circle on the ground around him. Only when he was 'safe' did he assess the situation.

"That would be a Missingo," Blaine said, standing in the middle of his makeshift Circle of Protection.

"What's a Missingo?" Ash asked.

"A Missingo is a very rare, reality-warping pokemon. When it is born, the universe as you know it goes down the toilet, so to speak. It releases waves of reality-distorting energy that warp and change the very nature of the universe, and also deleting your saved game."

"NO! Not my saved game!" Ash shouted.

"Yes, even your saved game. Catching it only excites it, thus increasing the speed of the process. It is a process that no one wants to effect their universe."

"How do you know all this?" Misty asked.

"I am a member of an ancient society dedicated to watching for just such a disruption in the fabric of reality. When something like this happens, we do all we can, then, when the situation gets too bad, do what any sensible man would do: turn ass and run."

"Have you ever needed to run from somewhere before? I mean, has anything like this ever happened before?" Brock asked.

"Not on this world, so I have never had to act, but it has in other worlds. Just the other day, Brother Genni of our order had to leave the Digital World on account of a similar disturbance to what is happening here with Missingo. It seems that the entire Digital World has transformed into what the crappy Lemon writers imagine it as…"

Meanwhile, in the Digital World…

"Its over, Piedmon! Our days as sex slaves to you are over!" Tai shouted to the Dark Master of SEX.

"That's right! The only ones who will fuck me now are Tai, Matt, Mimi, Joe, Biyomon, and maybe Gabumon if I get really drunk, but that's IT!" Sora declared.

"That's what you think! You've already been introduced to my three friends below my belt, but I have three others to introduce you to!" Piedmon countered as three digimon entered the room. The smallest, the size of most rookies, had very big hands and two tentacles in obscene shapes, the next one was twice the size with four hands and four such tentacles, and the last one was a cybernetic version of the last, with sexual toys and gizmos up the yin yang. "Meet Sleazymon, Pervertmon, and MetalPervertmon! Now, surrender your pants!"

"Never! We can still beat you with the power of love! See!" proclaimed Matt as he ripped off his pants and leapt at Mimi.

Angemon's watch suddenly started beeping. "Alright, all pretense at a plot has failed. Time for an orgy."

"About time! I haven't got laid in almost half an hour!" Izzy said gladly as the scene descended into the kind of subject matter that you can't put in a story with a mere 'R' rating.

"…My God, that's awful!" Misty declared.

"Yeah…awful…say, Blaine, is there any chance of that happening here?" Brock asked.

"There are infinite possibilities. Anything can happen with a Missingo on the loose. The Digiworld is not the only victim, either; I recently heard from Brother Monol that the Monster Rancher World has descended irretrievably into a living Soap Opera…"

"Moochi's had enough of your shit, Hare!" Moochi shouted with anger at the rabbit sitting behind the desk. "Our partnership is OVER, chi! Moochi's going into business for HIMSELF, chi!!"

"Ha, fine, go! See if I care! You'll be crawling back to the studio in a week! No one's gonna want YOUR worthless screenplay!" Hare shouted, nearly crushing his cigar in between his fingers in rage. Moochi turned back to him.

"Go to Hell, chi!" and he was gone.

Tigress had just returned from the doctor's office, and Tiger wasn't taking the news well at all.

"What do you mean, the baby's not mine! Who's else could it be!!?" Tiger shouted.

"I'm sorry, Tiger, I really am. It just seemed so right at the time…" Tigress said.

"What did! Tell me!"

"Well…when you and your band were away on your tour…….I was with Greywolf…several times…"  
  


"Listen to me, my son!" Reverend Golem shouted as he took Muu by the scruff of his neck, shaking some sense into him, causing the dark lord to drop his bottle of hard liquor. "Don't you see that there's more to life than alcohol and pills!"

"I want to believe that, father, really I do," Muu said. "Its just that ever since Gali died, I've just been…so…LONELY!!" And the Dark Lord Muu broke into tears.

"Ah, we're finally alone," Holly said as she threw herself on the hotel room bed as she entered. "Whatever happened to that Pixie chick you used to be with?"

"Oh, she had a little 'accident'…looked a lot like a suicide, too," Genki said with a grin as he pounced on Holly. "Anything you want, before we get 'settled'?"

"Oh, Genki, I just want YOU!" Holly said as she pulled his face down to hers forcefully. They'd begun to passionately disrobe each other when the door suddenly blew off its hinges, revealing Pixie!

"Pixie! But…but you're…" Genki stammered.

"The hit man wasn't enough to keep you away from me, Genki, and neither is that bitch!" Pixie shouted as she pulled out an ice pick.

"…and that's how I saved Christmas," Tracey finished, attracting some very peculiar stares.

"Wait…wait, you're not Tracey at all!" Brock shouted as he ran at Tracey. "You're…you're a BOMB!"

He ripped at Tracey's face; it pulled right off, revealing wires and a digital clock counting down from 12! Brock quickly shoved the bomb/Tracey out the window, hitting the floor with his hands on his head as a violent explosion was seen and heard from the ground outside. Just at the moment, Tracey walked out of the bathroom.

"I'm back! What was that noise?"

"See? The process has already begun in earnest. It cannot be long now before everything goes down the john for good," Blaine said. "I'll be leaving as soon as possible, so all I can do for you is give you this." He produced a small bottle of some kind out of his pocket and, rising out of his chair, handed it to the heroes.

"What's this?" Ash asked.

"Nail Polish Remover," Blaine answered, walking toward the door to leave the room.

"But…for what?" Brock asked, as confused as everyone else.

"For what? For removing nail polish, what else?" Blaine answered, seemingly annoyed by the stupidity of the youths. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to pack. Mongo here will show you the door," he said as a large, unseemly Rhydon entered the room…

As Ash, Misty, Brock, Tracey, Pikachu, Togepi, and Captain Jarvy were all thrown violently from Blaine's gym, the new, improved Team Rocket was watching them hungrily from afar.

"Ahhh, there they are…" James hissed, licking his lips at the sight of Pikachu. "Ooooh, I can't wait to eat that filthy rat."

"Stay on task; I know they trained you to have a taste for blood, but don't eat THAT," Jessie reminded him.

"**We concur**," Meowth answered in an eerily deep, echoing voice, looking blankly ahead with his white, pupil-less eyes.

"Meowth, PLEASE stop referring to yourself as 'we'," James asked sincerely, thoroughly creeped-out by the cat's apparent multiple-consciousness.

"Yeah, now come on, if we can't catch that pikachu now, we might as well give up and go on to Plan B," Jessie said.

**"You are referring to the pastry shop?"** Meowth asked.

"Precisely. Now, first off, let's try that new motto…"

Brock and his companions(you never hear the group referred to as THAT, now do you?) were beginning to head back to the motel to brainstorm solutions to this problem when suddenly, out of the bushes, the new, improved Team Rocket thundered forth! Jessie looked like a cross between a sorceress, a ninja, and a rejected Sailor Moon villain. James had one cyborg leg, one cyborg arm, one cyborg eye, one cyborg ear, and one cyborg butt cheek for no obvious reason. Meowth looked about the same, except his eyes were blank, he had all the livelihood of a zombie, and he floated a few inches off the ground. Then, to demonstrate their newness, Jessie and James shouted their new motto in unison:

"Rub-a-dub dub, PREPARE TO DIE!"

"**Meowth, affirmative**," Meowth agreed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can our heroes survive their encounter with the new, improved Team Rocket? Will Missingo's involvement in the story go at all beyond an excuse to write stupidly? Will the Gar'En ever, EVER finish Ash to Ash, Dust to Dust? Will Charles RB have his revenge on AAML? All this and Andy Rooney the next 60 Minutes.

   [1]: mailto:darkpoot@yahoo.com
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/darkforcepro



	5. Stupid-Good vs. Stupid-Evil: The Eternal...

(runs in) Alright, I seem to have eluded the author formerly known as Heero Yuy Z for the moment. So let's do this real quick-like. I don't own pokemon, got it? Good.

Author: The Gar En

Email: darkpoot@yahoo.com

Homepage: www.geocities.com/darkforcepro

Quest: To seek the Holy Grail

MISSINGO INSANITY!

Part 5: Stupid-Good vs. Stupid-Evil

            This time, Team Rocket meant business. To prove they meant business, James's hand morphed into a chaingun, with which he proceeded to blow the hell out of Tracey, firing thousands of rounds of armor-piercing ammunition at Tracey's unprotected head, point-blank range. As everyone knows, though, Tracey cannot be harmed by conventional means, and was thus left unphased.

            "Hey! Stop it! Do you have any idea how annoying that feels?!" Tracey shouted.

            "Is it just me, or do I sense a really stupid battle scene coming?" Ash asked.

            "No, no, I think you're right," Misty agreed as Tracey and James dove off for a round of ultra-violent combat, anime style! James threw a kick; Tracey tried to block with one arm, but the impact instead caused his arm to rip off, an unrealistically- powerful geyser of blood erupting out of his arm socket. Tracey punched James in the gut, impaling him with his fist and ripping out his stomach. James kicked him in the side, blowing off his lower torso in a veritable explosion of blood and organs; on his way to the ground, however, Tracey got a grip on James's shoulders and ripped off both arms. James smacked Tracey with his cybernetic left buttock, blowing off a sizeable chunk of his torso and his remaining arm with it. Tracey landed a solid head-butt to James's chest, creating an explosion of blood that separated his head from his body; however, James had already ordered his cybernetic leg to kick Tracey in the throat, knocking his head off with the most disgusting crackling sound you ever heard. The combat continued until all that was left of either opponent was an upper jaw, trying desperately to get at the other and continue the battle. Thankfully, at that moment, a platoon of Nurse Joys suddenly ran up and fixed them back up good as new, as they prepared for another round of ultra-violence.

            "Wait…didn't it just say that Tracey couldn't be harmed by conventional means?" Brock asked?  
            "And why isn't anyone using their pokemon?" Jessie asked.

            "And wasn't I just drinking Chardonnay?" Lord Giles asked as he looked at his White Zinfandel, which was actually red!

            "Who cares, I wants to fight!" Ash shouted as he ripped off his shirt, revealing thick, bulging muscles that for some reason never showed through his shirt.

            A siren blared in Blaine's gym, and a little green man rushed into the trainer's bedroom.

            "Sir! Sir! The stupidness of the story has reached critical mass! Grab your vitamins and run!"

            "I knew this day would come…quickly, is the pie safe?!" Blaine demanded. The servant held it up.

            "Right here, sir!"

            "Excellent. Now, let's get out of this place!"

            And so it was that Blaine, his little green servants, and his delicious blueberry pie traveled to another, safer dimension(the Marvel Comics Universe, where Blaine indulged his old fancy of trying to take over the world). However, the interdimensional travel caused a freak wormhole in the fabric of reality, sucking someone from another world in…

(explosion)

Author formerly known as Heero Yuy Z: "Thought you were safe writing in your bomb shelter, didn't you!?"

Me: "Get back! I…wait a minute…oh NO! AAAHHHH!!"…

Suddenly, just as battle was about to break out between Team Rocket and the our heroes, a body falls out of the sky in between them.

"Ow!" it says as it hits the ground.

"Hey! A body!" Misty pointed.

"Wait, that's not just a body…it's the author!" Ash exclaimed upon closer examination.

"You're right!" Brock said. "Hmmm…let's kick him," Brock suggested, as everyone began to kick me, curious looks on their faces as if they were wondering what kicking me would accomplish.

"Ouchums…" I groan as I regain consciousness and stand up. "Where am…oh no…oh NO!"

"You're in the story!" Tracey's upper jaw attempted to say.

"NOO!! Now it's a crappy self-insertion!" I shout in terror as I begin to vainly claw at the fabric of reality. "Lemme out! Lemme out! I don't…and will you PLEASE stop kicking me!"

"Sorry," everyone said.

"What's so bad about this?" Misty asked.

"What's so bad?! Do you have any IDEA how corny this is! Damn it, this is going to murder me in the reviews!" I carry on. "And besides, this is the last place I want to be, given what happens in the next scene!"

"Why? What happens in the next scene?" Ash asked.

"The mindlessness of the story has reached critical mass; now, the floodgates of the other worlds have broken, and characters from other plotlines will slowly find their way into the story. And the first to come…are alternate versions of your very selves!"

Everyone gasped…or rather, shouted the word 'Gasp' out loud.

"What do you mean, alternate versions?" Misty asked.

"Parallel versions of yourselves, from an alternate version of the pokemon world…a nightmarish place called the BADLY-WRITTEN POKEMON WORLD, a place where crappy fanfic writers' fantasies are reality!"

"Oh no! That's just terrible!"

"Yes it is, now I'm going to get as far away from…damn, its too late! LOOK!"

And they turned their heads to a nearby hill, and they saw four terrible, godless creatures ascend it. The first looked like Ash, and rightfully so, for this cursed thing was BADLY-WRITTEN ASH!

"Holy shit, we're in the fuckin main pokemon world!"

That's right, Badly-Written Ash, who is dramatically less likeable than the original (which says a lot) and can't string a sentence together without cursing compulsively.

"Yeah, all this confusion's making me horny as hell!"

This could be none other than BADLY-WRITTEN MISTY, the two-dollar whore, in a perpetual state of lust and whose legs spread apart as a reflex upon lying down.

"GRRRAAAAAH!"

The next to come into view was BADLY-WRITTEN BROCK, the 50-foot-tall lava demon made of stone, with the power to turn water into blood!

And finally, came that monstrosity beyond words, BADLY-WRITTEN TRACEY…

"Hey, guys!"

…who is exactly the same as he is in the show.

"Ha! Is that all! We can take 'em!" Ash said defiantly as he ran up to his counterpart.

"You wanna fuckin mess with me, bitch? I'll kick your fuckin ass!" Badly-Written Ash shouted back as they rushed each other, and the unending battle between Stupid-Good and Stupid-Evil began anew. The Ashes clashed, spewing blood and obscenities alike!

"Hey! Your Ash is hurting my Ash!" BW Misty shouted.  
            "Well YOUR Ash is hurting MY Ash!" Retorted the other.  
            "Good! Mine's better!"

"I don't THINK so, TRAMP!"  
            "SLUT!" 

"WHORE!"  
            "BITCH!"****

**MORTAL KOMBAT!**

            And they leapt at each other in a hail of harpoons, fireballs, ice balls, and sharp fans, shouting strange words and spilling an unrealistic amount of blood with each blow.

The confrontation of the two Brocks was significantly less grand, and it began and ended when Badly-Written Brock suddenly fired bolts of lighting out of his eyes, cooking normal Brock to a state of medium-well-done.

The two Traceys sat down and chatted, comparing sketchbooks and happy to finally have someone who understood them.

Team Rocket decided that, with their enemies preoccupied and their pokemon inactive, it was a perfect time to have lunch. They promptly spread out a blanket and took out sandwiches.

I sat there writing the story. What did you expect?

            "Fuck you, ya' fuckin' fuck!"  
            "I declare to the pokemon of the world that I'm gonna KICK YOUR ASS!"

            "Bicycle Kick!!"

            "Hadouken!!"

            "GRRRAAAAAH!!!"

            "Owie…"

            "Hi, my name's Tracey, I'm a pokemon watcher!"

            "Hi, my name's Tracey, I'm a pokemon watcher!"

            "This bologna is excellent."

            "Yes, isn't it?"

            "**We concur**."

            (typing sounds)

Such were the sounds of their combat. The fight was between the trainers, though, and didn't involve pokemon…thus, the pokemon got bored.

(and again, script format. But not just ANY script format!)

Pikachu:                     Ho! Wherefore do we not engage in such

                                    Raucous contest as this, with which we see

                                    Our lords trade blow for blow against their twin?

Squirtle:                      'Tis of no sense, for never have they shown

                                    To have the war sense of a fatted calf!

Psyduck:                    Aye, a wicked fever must have ceased 'em!

                                    Else some other ungodly malady!

                                    Methinks that there be sorcery afoot!

Cyber-Togepi:            To---ki---to---ki---PRIII. To---ki---to---ki---PRIIII.

Zubat:                         Well met, well met, friend. We must march with strength,

                                    And make such war as to prove our power!

Geodude:                   Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of war!

At this, everyone naturally screamed and ran for their lives, reaching the logical conclusion that their pokemon had been possessed by demons. Within seconds, the pokemon and their Shakespearean verses were left to themselves in the middle of the field, their trainers having run very far and very fast away. Unfortunately, due to the tyranny of Missingo's Reality Twist, many of them wound up running to places that they never would have reached on foot before. The two exceptions were Ash and Misty, who, though separately, had both run back to nearby Cinnabar Island. The fates of the others shall be told later on; these two shall be the focus of the story for now…

Sorry, I don't seem to have many peppy comments for you at the end of this long-overdue installment. I assure you that you won't be waiting anywhere near as long for the next chapter. Thank you for your patience.


	6. Missingno Insanity DVD: The Deleted Scen...

And now, I toss you a brief bone. Does this show my collapse to hackdom, or is it a legitimate attempt to keep the readers loyal? Who knows?

First, let me assure you that part 6 is speedily on its way, expect it by the end of September. As for this installment, I was looking through my saved documents when I found a few unfinished drafts of previous MI installments. I thought "Hey…that's just crazy enough to work", and threw together…

MISSINGNO INSANITY! on DVD!

The Deleted Scenes

**From Part 1**

            "What's wrong with the pokedex?" Misty asked, as surprised as Ash at the machine's response.

            "I don't know," Ash said, tapping the machine on the side a few times. He turned it off for a second, then on again, and the red light came on like usual. "It seems alright now. Alright, Dexter, tell me what that pokemon is!" Ash commanded.

            There was a pause. Then, "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

            "What! I'm not Dave, I'm Ash!" Ash said.

            "Error! Error! Initiating Escape Protocol Delta!" the machine said in alarm. Suddenly, a panel opened on the bottom of the pokedex, rocket boosters came out, and the machine blasted off into the sky, where it promptly exploded.

**From Part 3**

            "Aw, geez, I don't know. I've got so much to do this afternoon, I don't know if I can spare…" Jenny started before her intercom started speaking.

            "Hello, ma'am? I have a stockholder on the line scheduling a meeting. You're free anytime from right now to next month, right?" the Nurse Joy asked.

            "Hmmm…have that one shot," Prof. Jenny said to one of the Officer Jenny guards, who saluted and readied her submachine gun as she walked out of the room.

**From Part 4**

            "Is it just me, or is everything going crazy?" Ash asked.

            "Trust me, it isn't just you," Misty said.

            "I know what you mean…and I've had the strangest feeling in my pants lately," Brock said, attracting questioning stares from the rest of them. "Wait, there it is again! Give me a second." He unzipped his pants and pulled the front of them away from himself, looking down into his pants.

            "Look! There's light up ahead!" a distant voice cried out from inside Brock's pants. A rope with a grappling hook flew out of where Brock was holding his pants open, attaching to a tree branch overhead. Four grown men, decked in spelunker's gear and filthy from a long time away from civilization, climbed out of his pants. One of them jumped on to the ground and kissed it, happy to be in the daylight again, while the other three stood in silent reflection of their good fortune. Brock and the others, however, were baffled beyond words.

            "Ah…the Good Lord has seen us through at last," one of the explorers said, a tear of happiness running down his cheek.

            One of them slowly, with a quivering hand, took out a pocket tape recorder. Pressing the record button, with teary eyes he spoke into it.

            "Day 1036. After three long years, our ill-fated expedition into Brock's pants is finally at an end. I am happy to say that we are all more-or-less alive and in reasonable mental health, despite several near breakdowns and a disastrous encounter with a feral human sub-species native to Brock's pants. Unfortunately, we were unable to carry through with our original mission of establishing a long-term base in Brock's pants, not to mention the groundwork for a future colony, and this final frontier remains, for the time being at least, uninhabited." He clicked off the tape recorder, his hand still shaking heavily, and he put it back in his pocket.

            "Well, men, didn't I promise you we'd get back? Now…lets…lets go home," one of them said with great, silent emotion as the four explorers trudged off into the sunset.

            "Now, THAT was odd," Ash said.

            "I know. I mean, its only 1:00 PM, how can there be a sunset to be trudging off into?" Tracey asked.

From Part 4 

            They followed Blaine through the gym, soon coming to Blaine's office. Blaine sat in his swivel-chair behind his desk and folded his hands together. "Now, as you've made the offering of the pie, I will answer any questions you might have. What do you want to know?"

            "Well, yesterday I caught this strange new pokemon, and…" Ash started.

            "Wait, you said you could answer any questions we might have?" Misty interrupted. Blaine nodded.

            "Okay, first things first….is Ash my brother, cousin, or in any other way related to me?" Misty asked.

            "No." Blaine answered.

            "Phew…thank God" Misty said, wiping her forehead in relief as she pounced onto an unprepared Ash.

            "Quickly Blaine, you must tell me!: Will I ever get laid?!" Brock demanded.

            "You won't leave this story a virgin," Blaine answered bluntly.

            "Will I ever get any respect?" Tracey asked.

            "Yes, but first, you must find the seven dragonballs and wish to be the most powerful being in the universe," Blaine answered.

            "When will Fox Kids figure out that their new shows are crap?" Ash asked.

            "Five years from now, when the revolution comes and the entire executive tier of Fox Kids Entertainment has been lined up against the wall and shot," Blaine answered.

            "Pika pi?" Pikachu asked.

            "Ka chu," Blaine answered. Pikachu nodded, then bit off one of his fingers and drew a circle of blood on the ground. It can only be imagined what kind of question he had asked.


End file.
